going forward.

March 14, 2015 ~ Kenzie ~ Leave a comment

A lot happened in a very short time. Tyson was offered a new job in Arizona (note: he accepted), we moved out of our townhouse, my tummy continues to grow and grow, we are house hunting, living between states, and – to be short – trying to keep up with new routines.

I’ll be honest, for a moment I felt my life, not turning upside down, but wobbly – unsteady.

We were content. Like a well-oiled machine, we hummed through our daily groove without a care or worry that things might change, because things were already changing: we were happily readying ourselves for parenthood, after all..

But Life smirked, wagged a finger at our complacency, and stopped our well-oiled machine with a very loud snap.

And I?

I panicked.

This was not the time to move out of our townhouse! This was not the time to switch jobs! This, most definitely, was not the time to leave our family and friends and move to another state! THIS. WAS. NOT. THE. TIME.

Still. Here we are.

Now that I’ve gained some control over my panicked state, I’ve started to see more clearly.

No, the timing might not be great. But sometimes the worst time? Ends out being the best time. During this craziness, I’ve grown closer to my husband. We’ve leaned on each other for emotional support. We’ve learned to laugh at hard times, or, at the very least, enjoy small moments of sanity.

I’ve fallen more in love with his goodness, his patience, and his determination to push our little family forward. I am grateful to have my best friend at my side, walking with me through the unknown.

And I suppose that is what Life always is: unknown.

Change is constant, they say. We cannot stop Life from happening, good and bad. We cannot pause time or rewind it or dictate it. All we can do is move forward, which is always better than going nowhere.

sigh.

February 2, 2015 ~ Kenzie ~ Leave a comment

We all know I’m not a ballerina. I’m not dainty on my feet. I’m basically a walking accident waiting to happen. I’m the spokes-girl for Murphy’s Law.

But I have tried to be really careful, especially with a baby on board.

I’ve done well, until yesterday, when I fell UP the stairs. I don’t know how one falls UP the stairs, but there you have it, folks. I had sense enough to try and maneuver myself to avoid my tummy, which (thankfully!) I did, but in its place I twisted my leg and hit my knee on the bend of the stairs. Believe me when I say it hurt…like…a lot.

“Are you okay?” Tyson asked, staring at me wide-eyed from the top of the staircase. I was trying to be a big girl and not cry, so I did the only rational thing: I laughed hysterically. Pretty sure he thought I was insane. “Oh, baby-girl…” he shook his head.

We went to my parent’s for the Super Bowl (what a game!), where my brother looked over my knee. It was swollen and bruising and clicking. There’s not much to be done, though, seeing as I’m pregnant, except ice, elevate, and wrap…and wait.

This morning I woke to an extremely swollen knee, and though the swelling has gone down through the day, the bruising has turned monstrous. And it throbs. Like hell.

C’est la vie, I tell myself. C’est la vie.

There are worse things.

things.

January 25, 2015January 25, 2015 ~ Kenzie ~ 2 Comments

For the most part, my pregnancy has been fairly uneventful – a good thing, considering my record of things-that-can-go-wrong is pretty hefty.

Unfortunately, this last week I’ve battled the dreaded UTI and kidney stone, and currently feel like my back has been beaten with a two by four. Sixty times. Every hour. On the hour.

And on Friday? Well, we found out our townhouse (rental) is being sold.

Congratulations! You have 30 days to vacate!

Um.

Naturally, this happens at a pretty not-fun time. I’m at a point where I’m no longer allowed to lift heavy boxes or do crazy amounts of work. And, let’s be honest, I’m a bit bat-s!$%-crazy : a little obsessive, compulsive, sarcastic, with a need to be in charge of everything. My pregnant self is not the most friendly.

And I cry. Over everything.

Trying to keep my hormones in check the last few days has been an incredibly hard task. I know there is no reason to stress, because I can’t change the situation. It is what it is. And it’s no one’s fault.

But.

I feel like a chicken with it’s head cut off.

Lucky for me, I have an amazing husband. And family.

That is the great thing about hard times, you recognize the wonderful support system surrounding you, and no matter how crumby things feel – you know it’s going to be okay. It’s going to get better.

And I do have a wonderful support system.

In the midst of tears this morning, I told my husband, “I’ve started leaking and I can’t stop!”

“It’s okay, honey,” he said, “Just keep crying. Sometimes you need to cry.”

See?

(Only it made me cry more, because he is so freaking awesome.)

older mom.

January 16, 2015 ~ Kenzie ~ 11 Comments

Well. It happened.

Today, whilst shopping for some yummy fruits at Sprouts, I was asked what it was like to be old and expecting.

“I’m…31…” I replied numbly.

The lady just smiled, as though she proved a point.

I was so baffled, I hardly knew what else to say. I raised the small carton of blueberries in my hand, mumbled a “yum”, and threw them into my cart…annnnd walked away without answering her question.

Okay, so I went to the store without makeup. But. WHO asks another woman that question? EVER? I’ve spent half of the afternoon looking at my reflection in the mirror, wondering if my crinkles are really wrinkles.

I know I’m not a spring chicken, but golly – I’m not 90 and shopping for a coffin. Not to mention, I have several friends who didn’t have children until their late thirties/early forties, and I’ve never thought, Oh gee, I wonder if I should ask them what it’s like to be old and expecting, because the thought of age never really crossed my mind – I was just happy they were happy.

I’m not dumb. I live in Utah, where a majority of women start families in their early twenties. That is how the culture rolls around here.

And yeah, I’ll be honest, 31 was not my ideal. But Life.

I’m simply grateful for this opportunity.

Listen, we’re playing the game of Life, but we’re all on different paths. All of us. No one’s journey is remotely the same. Some journeys are easy-peasy and fly by with only a minor bump or two. Some have a few more turns and stops. And other people hit every damn road block imaginable.

But we all learn. We all grow. We all become who we become because of Life.

My journey has taken me to this point, and I’m okay with it. I’m happy.

Maybe a little more wrinkly than I thought.

But happy.

a rant on the unwanted.

January 8, 2015 ~ Kenzie ~ 6 Comments

If I’ve learned anything while being pregnant, it’s that everyone has an opinion, and everyone comes out of the wood work to give it to you – wanted or not. Mostly not.

I’ve no doubt I was/am one of these people. We all are. We usually do it without realizing. We think we’re being oh-so-helpful when we’re really just being obnoxious. So, to any person I’ve given unwarranted advice? I really am sorry.

It’s pretty amazing how many emails I received in the first few months of my pregnancy to inform me why home birth is the way to go, and how I’m not a real woman if I get an epidural.

Let me state, your birth plan is your birth plan. If that includes staying at home, sitting in a pool of warm water, with a midwife, as well as no pain medication? Good for you. I don’t think it makes you more of a woman any more than my going to the hospital for delivery makes me less of one.

Listen, there are many reasons I’m giving birth in a hospital. For one, I’m high risk. Any sane midwife, any truly qualified midwife, wouldn’t touch my case with a 10 inch pole. I trust my OB, as well as my maternal fetal medicine doctor. They’ve spent years in schooling, and both have delivered many a baby. If anything goes wrong, I will be in a facility where they can act straightaway, which gives me a grand amount of comfort.

Well, that doesn’t mean you need pain medication, you say. To which I respond…

Who has two thumbs and will get an epidural? This gal.

Again. Your birth plan is your birth plan. If you can handle squeezing a watermelon out a hole the size of lemon? Good for you. But I’m not great with pain. I never have been.

I also can’t believe how many people have blatantly asked me if I’m going to breastfeed – people I barely know! And, before I can even answer, they start listing all of the reasons I should be ashamed if I don’t.

What is with the shaming? Why not give me all of the reasons breastfeeding is great for my baby, instead of belittling and tossing out judgement? I suppose this is a trigger topic for me, because I’ve several friends who, for one reason or another, were not able to breastfeed. They’ve also been shamed, treated like failures and bad mommies. It’s not okay.

Yes, I’m going to do all I can to breastfeed. I think it’s important. But I know anything can happen with my lupus. I’m optimistic about the future and my health, but I won’t pretend that it can’t change at any moment. That’s my constant reality. If I can’t breastfeed, I will not beat myself up. I won’t be ashamed.

(On a side note: I know some women who also shame those who do breastfeed, which is not okay. I don’t understand the mommy shaming. Can’t we all just get along – join hands, sing kumbaya, or something?)

So, I’m reading back through this post. Obviously I’m fairly testy today.

I guess it’s time for some chocolate. Posthaste!

first time mom: things i’ve learned about being pregnant.

January 4, 2015 ~ Kenzie ~ 1 Comment

Being pregnant is pretty neat. The idea that a human being is growing inside of me is amazing, if not slightly terrifying. I won’t forget the rush, the chill, the giddiness I felt when, for the first time, I saw my baby’s heartbeat flickering on the ultrasound. Wow.

Anyway, here are some things I’ve learned about pregnancy.

Hormones? Definitely a real thing. I mean, PMS was a walk in the park compared to the mood swings I’m feeling on a daily basis. The other day I was craving a pickle – a wonderfully vinegary snack! Much to my dismay, I found the pickle jar empty.

Oh. The. Internal. Rage.

Okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad.

Maybe.

But I do cry. I cry a lot. And over the dumbest stuff.

You know the trailer for the new Disney adaptation of Cinderella? I got all weepy because the music was just so pretty and her dress so sparkly and blue and her mother was so lovely. I mean, I could not hold it together. My mom was sitting next to me in the theater, and I’m pretty sure she wanted to move.

You can only imagine what happened during the movie when Meryl Streep broke out singing, Stay With Me. * Shakes head * Disastrous, people. Disastrous.

And the exhaustion? People keep saying the exhaustion is going to go away now that I’ve entered my 2nd trimester, but I’m beginning to think these people are liars or have repressed their own pregnancy.

By the time I’m done tidying up the house, my body just wants to plop on the sofa and watch some BBC for the remainder of the day…or forever. Whichever.

Also, no one ever told me about having an aversion to meat, which is (apparently) pretty common. It’s not as bad as a few weeks ago, but I’ll tell you what – I was in the grocery store doing the grocery thing, and I got to the meat section and…

I had to finish my grocery shopping right then and there before I upchucked on aisle six.

All in all, though, for being high risk, I’ve had a pretty great pregnancy thus far. I joined a group of women online who are also pregnant, and they seem to be far worse than I.

What are some things you learned while being pregnant?

The Unabridged Life

C'est la vie, sweetheart.

Author: Kenzie